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ALIVE

November 26, 2017
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i’ve never watched an episode of GoT in my life, but this is too apt

.

i’m back!!

(for a couple of weeks, at least, until the third round of edits happens).

edits for this time around are sent IN! this round was so much more difficult than the first round. i wasn’t sure what to expect, because i’m so new at this, but i figured maybe the first one would be the worst, and then it would get a bit better from there. nope. first one felt okay (maybe i just did a crap job at them, without knowing) and the second one was like oh dear, i’m going to have to do some deep diving. nothing wrong with deep diving, but balancing a full-time job and managing a household (albeit a small one, but i don’t have a partner and so there’s no one to do laundry or put a stew on save for me) and trying to appease friends who don’t quite understand the hermit-ness of writing really wore on me. november was the busiest month of probably my life so far for so many reasons. but i made it thru! (on very little sleep and turning into a bit of a snappy bitch at times, but thru nonetheless.)

truly though, it’s often pretty hard to get people to respect the fact that writing takes up so much time. some people really got it, right off the bat; many didn’t. and i’m not just talking about face to face time: i really, really, really find my patience, in general, limited when i’m writing/editing, so it’s very hard for me to be an agony aunt. when i’m in a lull, sure, i’ll listen to your problems and try to help you down from the ledge. when i’m writing, it’s like i use up all of my reservoir of self-control and patience on what i’m doing. i really don’t have the energy to read your email, to reply to your message, to text you back; i can’t listen to you talk at length about your heartache/sadness/anger/happiness. it’s not that i’m a bad person, it’s just that i’m exhausted, and for the month, you’re going to have to figure it out on your own. it’s incredibly reassuring that i’m a confidante for so many people, but it absolutely does not work for me during periods of writing.

and when i say writing, i don’t mean i sit at my desk for an hour and pound out a thousand words and then i get ready for the day. sometimes, i can sit and stare at the wall and think and all of a sudden four or five hours has gone by, and my ass has fallen asleep and im still in my pajamas and am generally disgusting. writing can sometimes come in dribs and drabs, like pulling a sodden and heavy rope out of the ocean hand over hand – painful, slow, exhausting.

but so rewarding. i feel like i did some hard and good work this time around, more even than last time, and i’m not ever going to complain about that. the writing isn’t ever the issue – it’s balancing all other aspects of my life while doing the writing. so if you have someone in your life who’s doing a ton of writing or editing, and they are keeping you at a distance, it’s not because you don’t mean anything to them, or that they’re cold-hearted, or that they don’t care about what’s happening to you. it’s just that they’re on a journey that they can’t explain to anyone else, that no one else understands, and they need all of their mental faculties to keep at it. so just take a few steps back and give them space to breathe.

and for those of you who do that – bless you. you are the pillars that keep me going, the biggest of hearts. i owe you a glass of wine and a hug.

did i mention that a fiction idea fought its way into my head as i was in the middle of this round of edits? i was like, please, you weren’t invited, this is not an opportune time, but i think it might be pulling up a chair, so … i might be doing some research right now (i am) and i might be making notes on characters (i am). oops.

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