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from heartbreak to constancy

March 5, 2017
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i know i’ve written before about the way writing is reassuring to me, but it’s a subject i come back to time and again. people tend to ask: “when did you know you were a writer?” or “when did you know you wanted to be a writer?” and i always feel a bit like a fraud because i don’t know the answer to that. and as trite as it sounds, it was just always something i did. in grade 1, i wrote poems about snow (not much has changed there). when i was a few years older, my mum discovered the word “fuck” written in cursive on a piece of paper on my desk because i had just heard that word a few days earlier and wanted to see what it looked like written out. so there was always writing, or the idea of writing. (though funnily enough, i’ve never kept a journal.)

the end of 2016 was tough. there has been some stuff going on; most of it i can’t talk about, or don’t want to talk about, which i know is the equivalent of someone asking me how im doing and me saying “im fine” and not meaning it, but there you have it. there was a confluence of shit going on. and part of it was heartbreak.

most everybody experiences a broken heart. there is nothing unique about the sadness i feel; i am no more special than anyone else who has cried themselves to sleep, or who feels as though it’s a struggle to get out of bed sometimes. someone i trusted deeply – who had to that moment proven himself to me as good, and kind, and true, and deep – flipped the script on me and left me scooped out and stupid, ringing like a dumb bell from how empty i became. now, i feel sad on a day to day basis. not all day every day, and maybe not every day in general, but most days of the week, i get a flash forward of how differently i expected my personal life to look in 2017.

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this is not to say “look at me look at me look at me!” we’re more than two months into the new year and it’s not as raw as it was and things take time. but the point of this is: during the past 12 weeks, writing has kept me sane. it’s been the one thing that doesn’t change when i reopen the word doc or when i try to line edit the poem, or when i do revisions of my nonfic ms. it’s not so much about control, because i’m not interesting in controlling something, and i’ve also never quite felt that i’m in “control” of my writing, really, more that it’s something that we work on in tandem, as a team, me and my impulses. it’s about constancy – the documents aren’t going anywhere; the words are still on the page; the characters are still frozen in time from when i last met with them. and when i’m writing or editing something that is truly fun – like my nonfic piece – i’m reliving some great, great memories and it doesn’t feel like a chore.

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so. i’ve been working on something great, really great, and there’s going to be some fab news coming soon. and three of my poems – poems that i seriously struggled with, with placing them in lit mags in canada – are being published this year in u.s. lit mags  in kansas, utah, and alabama. and it’s also probably time to start looking at my fiction thesis again. when one part of your life changes, or falls apart, it’s reassuring to have another part to focus on.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. March 5, 2017 12:27 pm

    Writing keeps me going too ❤ I think for some people it's how they breathe and that's cool, that's what makes us writers.

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