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grit.

September 16, 2011

this is where the grit and the mettle comes into play. i know i have a strong backbone. my baba and dido didn’t walk on foot across europe to get to canada during world war ii without having it. my nan and grandad didn’t make their beds in the RAF – so tight you could bounce a quarter off of them – without having it. i know what i want and i aim for it. i have a graduation date in mind and i’m well on track to making it. my thesis is finally sort of in the right place.

.

but i feel sad inside. and try as i might, being the often-type-a person that i am, the girl who always wanted instant gratification, i can’t make this feeling go away. i try. i work, i go to yoga, i buy tickets for the fringe and the writers’ festival and the ballet. i buy new clothes for the fall, and throw out my old ones. i schedule coffee dates with friends, and try to write a little poetry. i even brush my hair. but the nighttimes are the hard parts, and now the weather is slipping into fall and rain, and i’m not sure if that is going to be comforting or upsetting. i feel very sad, and i think people are starting to get fed up with that. and i can’t help it. and i can’t make them happy by becoming happy all of a sudden myself. i take things to heart – i always have. i don’t know if that means that i have a stronger heart or a more tender heart – or if the two are one and the same. i have always, always felt too much and too fast, and i have always dealt with the fall out from that.

.

i don’t even have an appetite for lunch or dinner, let alone a push for writing. what am i going to do? i’m going to write, clearly, but i’m scared. i need to reassert my backbone. and so this is the hard part – writing when i don’t want to write. when my mind is everywhere else but writing. returning to the spirits that i had been so enchanted by – my gaunt irish man and his acolytes. this is the crunch time, anna. get your fucking shit together – just enough to push this novel out and then get out.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. September 19, 2011 9:26 pm

    i’m not fed up. i love you and im proud of your raunchy and outrageous growth. this is a step forward, not back. you are doing everything right. also, remember: fuck what everyone says. we aren’t bipolar, we are fun. we aren’t depressed, we just have obese hearts. xo

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