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subspace. bring on the epinephrine.

May 12, 2011

this post is similar in vein to my last one. going with the flow almost lines up with the idea of submission – almost. kind of. who knows.

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a writer’s life is often about submission. the main way is through literally submitting – we have to submit to magazines, presses, publishing houses, agents in order to make a livelihood – or at least try to make a livelihood. and that’s connected, because we are baring parts of ourselves to strangers in order to try and be accepted. and sometimes it doesn’t work out, and sometimes it does, and a great and searing connection is born.

i’ve always been fascinated with the way that the mind and the body connect. i’ve written so many blog posts about the body, and because of my yoga practice, i’ve observed the depth of the mind-body connection in real life. i think that the human body can do amazing things, beautiful things. i think that the mind is an untapped resource and that if we ever learn to access our brains fully we can do even more amazing things. i think that humans are meant to be physical – a lot – doesn’t necessarily mean sex, but hands-on contact, hands-on healing, whatever. we are meant to touch each other, to interact on a physical plane. and i think that our minds play such a large role in that.

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subspace is traditionally defined as a BDSM activity – it is the mental space in which a submission is immersed. psychologically, that is interesting in itself. psychophysiologically, it’s even more fascinating. the same neurotransmitters that erupt in the brain during flight or fight erupt during subspace, but if the energy is directed properly, the neurotransmitters have a drug-like effect on the body. a high.

now, an aside.

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i’ve gotten to a point in my yoga practice where positions that once hurt or were nauseating to perform elicit a different reaction. the thing with bikram yoga is that the heat can bring up some interesting and very often unwanted things. the heat makes the body beautiful – because the muscles loosen, the skin becomes wet and fluid, the body relaxes and slides itself into positions that were never before thought possible – but the heat also stirs everything up. early on in my practice, i threw up in my mouth once in class. (tmi? tmi.) someone has thrown up in my class before. people cry, people laugh, people get up and run out of the room. nobody has ever fainted in my class but i’m sure it’s happened before. the body becomes beautiful but the chakras get all jostled around, and weird, nauseating things happen.

i’m not sure when it happened, really, but at some point, the positions that were once making me upset and angry – that were borderline painful – made me feel oddly giddy. not necessarily happy – i don’t think i’m ever completely happy in yoga class, only after – but something tingly and physical. a decidedly not bad feeling.

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i wondered if it was connected to the idea of subspace – that in certain situations where we are being held in bondage by something – a pose, a partner, a piece of work or writing – our mind rails against it, and then maybe, suddenly, turns ally. reading about the subspace – the idea of a trance-like state brought on by epinephrine and endorphins exploding across the brain, and then an intense exhaustion right after – was not strange to me. hello! whenever i sit down to seriously, seriously immerse myself in writing something – something intense, maybe – this is a familiar scenario. i mean, maybe it’s not to the same degree, but it’s similar – we put ourselves in situations of bondage with writing. we tie ourselves to something that doesn’t always treat us the way we want to be treated. i’m connected to this thesis in a way i’m not entirely sure is pleasant for me all the time, but i still love it unconditionally.

oh, who knows.

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it’s all connected – the mind, the body, writing, physical nature. i feel like i’m working toward a separate thesis when i write about it on here. i’m always scribbling down blog posts, trying to connect the body and writing and all sorts of weird things.

just a few thoughts about it all.

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