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going with the floooooooooooow…

May 8, 2011

… is a challenge.

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right now i’m at an interesting point in my life. most aspects of my life have slowed down – i’ve handed in the most recent draft of my thesis, and i’m waiting for my advisor to give his thoughts on it. i don’t have a job. things are slow motion. i feel like emails i’ve sent out aren’t being responded to. text messages are being accidentally (or purposefully) ignored, who knows.

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for me, this is a challenge.

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vancouver has taught me a lot of things. one of the most important things is about going with the flow. maybe it’s something about being so close to so much water. one of my friends in the program – kuei-ming – said something very interesting to me the other day. she said

i am strong because i am soft.

she went on to explain that she has a lot of the element water in her, and that water is the strongest element because it is soft, and it goes where it wants to go. it goes around things. it eventually goes through things. it seems to be the weakest of the elements up front but give it time and it develops its own path. vancouver is kind of like that for me. coming from the concrete enclosure of toronto, i was very taken aback by the water and air of vancouver. keep in mind that i am also water-phobic. i don’t like the idea of the open sea, of an open lake. you don’t know what lurks beneath.

the idea of water has been so prevalent in my mind lately. i saw an SFU film screening the other night and so many of the films had the theme of water. baptism. swimming. drowning. people with star signs in the water sector. water is an element that i have never been comfortable with. when it comes down to it, inherently, i am fire. water feels claustrophobic to me. it feels suffocating. i have nightmares about drowning. i don’t like putting my feet down in a lake and feeling the goop underneath me.

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but: revelation. i realised that i need more water in my life. i need to go with the flooooooooow. with my writing, with my inspiration, with my muses. i can’t force the relationships i have with my muses. i can’t force the writing out, as much as i often want to. i have to keep a notepad near so i can write down ideas when they come.

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yikes. that is scary for me! i am tightly wound a lot of the time. i like to plan things. i like to have a schedule. i am always, always on time, if not early. i burn my way through arguments and problems. i put up walls and try to stop things from coming in. i live near a beach but as of the other day i had never walked down there just to sit and watch the waves!

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i am on a boat without a life-jacket. this is a big deal for me.

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this can apply to everything in my life. i need to accept that my writing comes in undulations, oscillations, waves (if you will) of heat and jaggedy inspiration and passion. i need to accept that i cannot just sit down and pound out something without feeling that it is hollow and odd.

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i need to accept that love comes in waves, too. (not only eros but agape, philia, storge – all of the kinds of love for family, friends, etc.)

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mainly, i need to accept that strength comes also with softness. HOLLA!

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. May 8, 2011 11:36 pm

    I SUPPORTUTH THE FLOW OF ANNA

  2. May 8, 2011 11:36 pm

    boat! boat! water! like! like! me and you on a boat. triple like.

  3. May 17, 2011 11:09 am

    Wise, insightful, inspiring. Your softness has always been evident to me (as a strength). As a fellow Leo, I’ve also needed to temper the fire with water.

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