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SEXISTENTIALISM

February 14, 2011

look at how cocky and lurid this new theme is! i am loving it.

 

anyway. here goes a personal post. not much writing gibberish in this one.

let’s start with a themed quote to start out our valentine’s day:

“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.” – Lady Gaga

 

there is more truth to that quote than you know and i think for the celibate among us it is interesting to keep in mind. when my friends have gone through nasty breakups, i often am the one to talk with them (don’t know why, i’ve never had a break up really, but i like to listen and be a sounding board) and i told one of my good good friends the quote above. so many times i tell my friends “you know, that person you were with was really leeching you of your creativity. you didn’t have any time for yourself or your writing or your music or your creations. you were spending all of your time mollifying them.” so you may laugh at the quote above, but it rings true on some levels.

ahhhh v-day. this day has always been an interesting one for me. i have been perpetually single, mostly by my own choice. i’ve spent valentine’s day watching horror movies, getting drunk at a classic rock bar and hitting various football players in the face with a fairy-wand, gorging on cheap candy and then giving candy hearts to DJs, celebrating the start of the olympics, being hogtied for a ropes demonstration at chris’s house, being a part of the queen’s university vagina monologues etc etc.

to be honest, my valentine’s days have been patchy. one year i had flowers delivered to my house in kingston. there was no card, so all my housemates were convinced that it was a secret admirer. it had actually been my aunt, and the card had been lost. one year in elementary school my crush hand-delivered an invitation to me in the schoolyard during recess. but when i read it, it said “my mum made me give this to you.”

DAMMIT.

 

the ingredients for a super vday. note festive hearts.

 

really, valentine’s day is weird.

i don’t like the idea of feeling sorry for myself on a day like today. i think the idea of love is wonderful. i don’t know how much i believe in love, or the variants of love, or the idea of love at first sight, or the levels of love, or the kinds of love – i’m not being cynical, i’ve just never experienced love like that before. but i do like the idea of a day of love. valentine’s day doesn’t really accomplish that, since it usually seems to end up being a day of stress – men and women running around to find red roses (so cliche so tacky but so regal) and restaurant reservations and other vday accoutrements. but the idea that our society has a day dedicated to love is kind of cool, really.

also it’s a day that i look back on my dating history and go oh no for a good portion of said history. it’s true i’ve never had a boyfriend but that doesn’t mean that i haven’t been involved with people and honestly i’ve run the gamut from golf pros to linebackers to musicians to engineers to men who wear skirts (this is not a joke. there have been more than one.) david bowie (just joking on that last one). i think of each one as a sort of fairytale quest – i’ve conquered the dragon and i’ve learned a lesson from each of the tasks. so each of the men that have been in my life have taught me a lesson – some lessons good some bad some really painful, one the absolute hardest of all. and i bet a few of them are reading this so what lesson do you think you are then? to all the men – you have been good for me in ways i don’t know yet. rest assured i will never forget you. you are infamous.

i was going to make this a flippant post, but i think some self reflection is needed, too. because for every absolute terror of a man that i’ve had in my life, there is an equally wonderful man who i have chased out of my life. i’m positive of it. i can realise my faults. i’m bombastic, over-bearing, anxious, ball-busting, judgmental and loud. i’ve been an asshole to more people than i can count, sometimes on purpose and sometimes completely mindlessly, which is a little scarier. i don’t try hard when it comes to love. i’m phobic of the idea of a love life, because i was never the coquette. i do not know how to flirt. i don’t really know how to talk to men on a romantic level. i tend to be shy and avoid eye contact. i love speaking to a lecture hall of 200 students but to give a man my phone number makes me feel faint. to all the good men – i’m sorry. i’ve been an asshole and you were wonderful.


a still from one valentine's day in montreal. wild life indeed. pretty sure i disco danced with a grandfather that night.

 

but i do have a man in my life at the moment. and the best thing is, really, i have any man i want in my life. (okay, to a point). because i can make them – write them out. i’ve always wanted to be able to sketch somebody, but i figured out that i can do that with words instead. i have a million characters waiting for me at the edges of my imagination and my computer screen.

but the main man in my life right now is cranky and won’t sleep with me because he is gay. he likes to eat sugar out of the package and double dip his spoon. he’s an irish dancer. his hair is the  colour of late burnished sun. he has light freckles on his shoulders. he is taller than me – and skinnier than me, which he is careful to remind me of. he wears lipstick better than i ever could, can apply it without looking in a mirror. he has a form of agoraphobia, hates grocery clerks. he can sew, and he can dance. he has fingers longer than birch twigs, fingers that are delicate and warm. he believes in the idea of love. he makes fun of me for being a cynic.

woo. that was a cleanse of a post. what a pile of verbal crap. it just flew out of me. sorry! but not sorry actually. a lot of you read that because you identified with it. awesome. also see pictured below my ideal man:

happy valentine's day this is my ideal man rose tint my world indeed.

 

happy valentine’s day, everybody. find your own love. i love you all! even if i don’t like you, i’m sure there is some way that i love you. does that make sense? and also go buy candy at the drugstores on feb 15th. you will NOT be disappointed. just don’t be sex-istential today.

if you need something exquisite to listen to, please check out beirut’s scenic world. it is 3 minutes that will not be wasted:

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 14, 2011 9:58 am

    yr new theme rocks. ill hogtie you tonight if you want. for old times sake.

  2. February 14, 2011 11:12 am

    Thanks for sharing, Anna!

    To riff off of the Lady G: I’ve found most people one sleeps with and then attempts to have a rapport with do drain and suck the energy (creative or otherwise) outta ya. That being said, as an eternally single lady, who is not always celibate, I like to think I am running off with creative energy after these sexual exchanges and these men and women are the poor suckers who just couldn’t keep up.

    I posted some Anti-V day songs if you’re interested in a soundtrack for the day:
    http://adelebarclay.tumblr.com/post/3294314188/anti-valentines-day-hit-list-happy-corporate

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