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solo

November 29, 2009

 

listening to regina’s dance anthem of the 80s.

today i am really thinking about relationships and dating and love, and all that jazz.

i have never really been a girl who has gone out mining for a relationship. i have been essentially single all my life – never had an official title of “girlfriend” and “boyfriend.” there was a really rough period of my life, probably around 17-19, where this was a big issue for me. going away to university for undergrad really heightens your awareness of being alone – being cloistered in that dorm room, seeing people around you coupling up. it didn’t help that i was head over heels for a boy on my floor – someone i stayed up till 3 am with, lying beside in bed and talking but not touching, just listening to music or laughing. it didn’t really end particularly well, considering he moved down the hall two doors to my other blonde friend. that was kind of mucky. and when i say kind of, i mean very very mucky.

but i digress.

the weather here is so grey and sad, and the stretch of night from 6 til bedtime is so bleak sometimes, and so very long. it means i have a lot of time to clean my floors and do laundry and organize my itunes collections, but it also means that sometimes i understand the need to have someone to just sit with – maybe reading separate books in that good kind of silence, maybe listening to music, maybe bouncing words off of each other, i don’t know.

it’s been a long time since i have been romantic or intimate in any way. a very, very long time. my last experience was so bad and so vitriolic that i shied away from it for a while, and now it’s the point where i am so rusty and so gawky that i am scared. i am really, honestly scared of getting back on the horse. what if i can’t even remember how to kiss properly? what if i am so inept that i do something irreparable, something impossible to stitch back together? what if i embarrass myself? what if i blurt something out? i always found it hard to spill my red and pink guts out to somebody, but this gap has made it that much harder, that much icier. i think i need to thaw, but i need to find the heat to start that process…

the point of the matter is this. i like alone time very, very much, but ever since coming here i have been liking it a little less. maybe i am just growing up a little bit, or maybe something about this city is changing me some. i’m not sure what i’m looking for right now. i’m confused and it’s weird and things are rotating and changing and melting.

this is the time to really buckle down with my writing, because my beautiful, beautiful characters are what i can always tuck back into. i just really hope that one day i can unfurl my head from behind the lap top screen, as a bird would with a wing, and that when i do, someone will see.

 

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 30, 2009 5:51 pm

    I hear you on this one.

    For what it’s worth, you have my prayers.

  2. December 4, 2009 6:03 pm

    your process is inspiring! things burn a bit before they melt…. ouch. im here for you, love.

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